Joke of the day - 2010/02/23 11:19A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked; “what is the quickest way to the lake? The local thought for a while. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist. “I’m driving.” “That is the quickest way!” the local said.
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
tonypark
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 10230
Karma: 14
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/02/23 20:00Chaos reigns at The Winter Olympics ,after the death in the Luge...The Irish Bobsleigh team are now refusing to compete until the course is gritted first xxxx
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Karl
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 801
Karma: 20
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/02/24 10:26When Grandpa and Billy entered their vacation cabin, they kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before Grandpa did, Billy whispered, ‘It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.’
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
tonypark
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 10230
Karma: 14
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/02/24 18:07An 80 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for the doctor.He turns up 2 days later with an empty jar...The nurse asks..why no sperm ?? ..He replied...sorry..I tried with my right hand and I tried with my left hand...I got the wife to try with both hands on several occassions....She tried with her mouth ...first with teeth in ..then with teeth out...Then we got Ethel from next door to try...hands..mouth...but no good......We just cant get the bloody lid off the jar xxxx
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Karl
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 801
Karma: 20
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/02/25 11:29A mother mouse and her three children crept out of their hole into the kitchen and began feasting on some delicious bits of food. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Mother Mouse saw a cat slinking toward them. The cat was between the mice and their hole. The mother muse puffed up her lungs and went, “Woof! Woof!” The cat turned tail and ran. With that, the mother quickly led her children back to safety in their hole. When they were settle and breathing normally, Mother Mouse said to her children. “Now, what’s the lesson from that experience?” “We don’t know,” the baby mice squeaked. “It is this,” said Mother Mouse. “It’s always good to know a second language.”
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
tonypark
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 10230
Karma: 14
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/02/25 16:43Just bought the Misses a brand new Bag and brand new Belt........The vacuum cleaner going well now xxxx
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
There's been a big fight in the biscuit tin. a bandit called Rocky, who was crackers, hit a penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue ribband and made his breakaway in a taxi, police say "rocky was last seen just after eight by a viscount from maryland, hobnobbing with a gingernut,and two accomplices, one known as Gary baldi, and the othere known only as rich T", Unfortunatly they dont't have a crumb of evidence.
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Karl
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 801
Karma: 20
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/01 11:39A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
tonypark
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 10230
Karma: 14
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/01 15:33Whats more annoying than the dog chewing your shoes ?????
The Killer Whale eating your trainer xxxx
I know..not PC...all complaints to Karl please xxxxx
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Karl
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 801
Karma: 20
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/02 15:13A drunk guy approaches a cute girl in a singles bar. “Hi Babe, how about a date? He says. “Don’t waste your time. I never go out with a perfect stranger.” “It seems we are both in luck. I’m far from perfect.”
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
tonypark
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 10230
Karma: 14
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/02 17:36Dont understand it...Ive just been banned from a new Muslim clothes shop....Got no idea what their problem is ???? All I did was go in and ask for a size 42 chest Bomber Jacket xxxx
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Karl
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 801
Karma: 20
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/03 10:11Paddy says to Mick . "My wife has just had twins" Mick says . who do they look like ? Paddy says , each other you daft twat!
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
tonypark
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 10230
Karma: 14
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/03 16:30Chris Tarrant said to Wayne Bridge.....on Celebrity Millionaire....For £32000..What is the colour of your ex girlfriends pubic hair..Is it a...Brown.....b...Red....c....Blonde....d....Ginger.... Wayne said...I dont remember Chris..Can I phone a friend ?? xxxx
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Karl
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 801
Karma: 20
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/04 10:55Got home & found the wife dead in the washing machine earlier. I'm fucking gutted....But at least she died in Comfort
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
tonypark
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 10230
Karma: 14
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/04 15:33Want to cheer yourself up....Watch your Wedding Video backwards..Youll love seeing her take her ring off ,walk down the aisle,jump into car and pi.. off xxxx
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
tonypark
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 10230
Karma: 14
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/05 15:28IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK......British Olympic Gold Medal winner Amy Williams thanked David Beckham for his invaluable advice on the best way to ride a Skeleton xxxx
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Karl
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 801
Karma: 20
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/06 10:36A frog goes into a bank and hops up to a teller. He can see from her name plate that she is called Patricia Whack, so he says "Ms. Whack, I'd like to borrow $30,000, please." The teller asks for his name and the frog replies that he is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and a personal friend of the bank manager. Unconvinced, Ms. Whack explains she will need some identity and also some security against his loan. The frog produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant and hands it to her. The confused teller says she will have to consult with her manager. 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger at the counter who wants to borrow $30,000," she tells her boss. "And what do you think this elephant is about?" The manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Karl
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 801
Karma: 20
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/08 10:14My wife has thrown me out, because she's fed up with me masturbating in bed every night. She said it was getting on her tits
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
tonypark
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 10230
Karma: 14
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/08 16:05When I was a kid,mum would send me to the shops with a shilling and I would come back with..... Wham Bar Bag of pik n mix Fizzy Pop Three comics Big bag of crisps Gob stoppers 5 bars of chocolate Liqu. Allsorts Peanuts Toffee Apple And still have change.....Cant do that these days....and Why ????
Poxy CCTV cameras xxxxx
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
tonypark
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 10230
Karma: 14
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/10 17:34Guy gets stopped by Police for speeding.....Officer says..Wheres your documents ?? Man replies...In the glove box by the gun... Officer...Youve got a gun ??? Man..Yeah, I shot the woman in the boot when I nicked the car... Officer gets on the radio and calls for back-up assistance ..with urgency...Loads of squad cars arrive plus armed response team.. Armed PC asks...Wheres the gun ?? Man..Havent got a gun.. Armed PC....where is the body?? Man..There is no body...I bet that lying bastard even told you that I was speeding xxxx
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Karl
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 801
Karma: 20
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/11 14:07Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet says its got epilepsy. The vet says "it looks calm enough to me" Paddy says "I haven't taken it out the bowl yet!"
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
tonypark
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 10230
Karma: 14
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/11 16:15Guy goes to a Brothel and says to the Madam...Im very kinky ..How much for Total Humiliation??? Madan says....That will be £37.50.. Guy says...WOW thats cheap..what do I get for that???? Madam says...A Poxy Liverpool shirt xxxx
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Karl
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 801
Karma: 20
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/12 10:46A million pound prize was offered to any university who could explain why the end of a mans penis is helmet shaped. Cambridge concluded it was to give the man more pleasure, Oxford concluded it was to give the women more pleasure. The university of Dublin spent the afternoon in the pub and concluded it was to stop your hand slipping off
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
tonypark
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 10230
Karma: 14
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/13 12:06Guy goes into a Pet Shop and looks to see whats for sale..As he approaches a dog in the corner..the dog starts talking.. Dog...Hello, Nice to meet you..Im Charles and I come from a noble ,long line and am very active with the Royals..I have won Crufts five times with best of breed and Overall Champion on no less that three competitions... I am 5 years old yet can out-run a greyhound half my age...Ive won the Greyhound Derby twice....
Guy...Bloody hell he said to the Shop owner..How much do you want for this talking dog ???
Owner....You can take him for £3....
Guy...Thats blinkin cheap...whats wrong with him???
Owner..Nothing..I just cant stand his Lies xxxx
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Karl
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 801
Karma: 20
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/15 10:47A couple of Catholic priests enter a bucking bronco competition. the 1st priest climbs on and only manages to last for 10 secs, the 2nd tries next and holds on for an amazing 10 mins, 'How did u manage to stay on for so long?' asks the 1st priest, the 2nd replies, '1 of my alter boys used to have epilepsy'
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
tonypark
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 10230
Karma: 14
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/15 15:01I went to the Casino last night and was stood next to a guy playing Blackjack.He kept having win after win after win.... I couldnt believe his luck then saw he was stood on what looked like a bit of bread... I asked him...Mate, whats that under your shoe ?? He said...Shhhhhh Im on a Roll xxxx
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Karl
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 801
Karma: 20
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/16 12:18A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. “What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer. “I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler. “Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman. So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped Drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Karl
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 801
Karma: 20
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/18 10:51When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe", he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Karl
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 801
Karma: 20
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/19 14:26Guidance Counselor: " Where do you see yourself in ten years?" Student: " In a mirror...duh."
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
DATA311
User Senior Boarder
Posts: 15
Karma: 0
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/22 23:33There is an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman driving through the desert. They are driving along at quite a rate when the fan belt snaps. "Fanbelt's gone lads, we'll have to abandon the jeep." says the Scotsman turns to the others and goes, "Right on guys take one thing that will be of use." The englishman opens up the bonnet and rips out the radiator. The scotsman turns around and says, "What you gonna do with that?" "It's still got a bit of water in it, I can use it as a canteen." Says the Englishman "Good thinkin," says the Scotsman removing the hood. "What use is that?" says the Englishman. "You know I burn easily, It'll keep the sun off." "Good point." The two turn round to ask the Irishman what he's taking. They are both shocked to find the Irishman breaking his back trying to tear the passenger's door off. "Paddy? What the hell you gonna do with that?" they ask. "Well, when I get too hot I can wind the window down."
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
DATA311
User Senior Boarder
Posts: 15
Karma: 0
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/22 23:33There is an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman driving through the desert. They are driving along at quite a rate when the fan belt snaps. "Fanbelt's gone lads, we'll have to abandon the jeep." says the Scotsman turns to the others and goes, "Right on guys take one thing that will be of use." The englishman opens up the bonnet and rips out the radiator. The scotsman turns around and says, "What you gonna do with that?" "It's still got a bit of water in it, I can use it as a canteen." Says the Englishman "Good thinkin," says the Scotsman removing the hood. "What use is that?" says the Englishman. "You know I burn easily, It'll keep the sun off." "Good point." The two turn round to ask the Irishman what he's taking. They are both shocked to find the Irishman breaking his back trying to tear the passenger's door off. "Paddy? What the hell you gonna do with that?" they ask. "Well, when I get too hot I can wind the window down."
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Karl
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 801
Karma: 20
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/24 10:072 eggs boiling in a pot. 1 says to the other "i've got a huge crack".
The other replies "stop f#cking teasing me.. i'm not hard yet".
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
tonypark
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 10230
Karma: 14
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/24 18:12I see that BA is on strike again......To be honest I dont realy think that ..The A Team..will miss the lazy bugger xxxx
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Karl
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 801
Karma: 20
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/25 10:54A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
tonypark
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 10230
Karma: 14
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/25 15:03A man meets a woman in a bar and buys her a drink..During his time talking with her he keeps looking at his watch.... She asks...Have you got to be somewhere??? Man says...No..its a new Dating watch and its giving me information about you.. She asks...What does it say ?? Man replies...It says that you have no knickers on ... She says..Thats wrong for a start... To which he replies...Oh..its running an Hour Fast xxxx
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Karl
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 801
Karma: 20
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/26 19:20A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
tonypark
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 10230
Karma: 14
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/27 10:06Paddy was sitting next to a Muslim gentleman on a flight as the stewardess came round taking orders for drinks.... Paddy....I will have an Irish and ginger please.. Muslim gent....Do not offer me alcohol..it is a sin..I would rather be sexualy assaulted by 50 whores... Paddy....You can take the drink back...I didnt realise there was a choice xxxx
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
Karl
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 801
Karma: 20
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/30 11:55A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those
Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, ''What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball
of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says,
"Don't move! I will be right back.."
He goes back into the bathroom,
comes back and round two was even better than The First time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my Wife. She's Not my wife. She's not my wife..."
His funeral service will be held on Friday.
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
tonypark
User Platinum Boarder
Posts: 10230
Karma: 14
Re:Joke of the day - 2010/03/30 18:39I wouldnt say that my ex girlfriend was ugly...but.....
She asked me once to go out and buy something that made her look sexy......I came back with 3 litres of Vodka and a box of Stella xxxx
| | The administrator has disabled public write access.
