Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me....'You lazy sod! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your backside and give her a break!'
I thought 'Women!' Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms 'Shove off and mind your own business. My wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening'.
After a few days I felt really bad , so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys , after all we should take good care of our wives ... that way maybe they will take good care of us.
I have attached a picture below. I hope it comes through OK [see below]
I'M TOO BLOODY SOFT WITH HER, SHE WILL WANT GEARS ON IT NEXT.
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bjm49
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/18 11:55A man complains to his pal that the thrill has gone out of his marriage,why dont you spice it up by having an affair he says,wot if my wife finds out he asks,its the 21st century man just go and tell her.So off he goes and says to her dear i think an affair would bring us together, forget says his wife i tried that and it did,nt work,
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If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?' I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. 'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!' 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.' 'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!' I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife. 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!). 'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth). 'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed. 'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!). By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. 'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.' 'Oh, gross!' they shrieked 'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted. 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified. 'Do something, Dad !' my son urged. 'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. 'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) 'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. 'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged. 'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.). The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. 'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically. 'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?' I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked. 'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male.. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this. 'So, Ernie's just . just .. .. . excited,' my wife offered. 'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. 'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its .. . its. . . teeny little . . ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. 'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay. 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me. 'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. Two lizards: $140. One cage: $50. Trip to the vet: $30. Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless! Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs
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Scotty
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/19 16:00Man to wife on wedding night"are you sure I'm the first man you have slept with" Wife. Of course I stayed awake with all the others
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tonypark
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/20 12:23I was sitting on a park bench and a guy walked past with a lettuce on the end of a dog lead.. Why,in the name of sanity are you pulling along that lettuce on a lead... He stopped..looked puzzled and said...The pet shop told me it was a Colly xxxxx
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They are noisy as heck when they come....and when they go they take half the house xxx boom boom xxxx
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Karl
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/23 12:02Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes Were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one. As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and Was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation. Grandma stopped to say Hi and asked what the line was for. Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges To those waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line. When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.
He said, 'How the heck do you do this at your age?' She said, 'I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck 'em Dry!' The policeman fainted.
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virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
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TheLadyMagenta
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/24 11:31hahahaha wicked joke cheeky! I seem to remember this from the pubs some years ago and it,s still hilarious now. Nice one!!
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Karl
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Posts: 566
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/24 14:24It was my first time ever And I'll never forget. I'd do it again Without a single regret. The sky was dark. The moon was high. We were all alone Just she and I. Her hair was soft. Her eyes were blue. I knew just what She wanted to do. Her skin so soft. Her legs so fine. I ran my fingers Down her spine. I didn't know how, But I tried my best. I started by placing My hands on her breast. I remember my fear, My fast beating heart, But slowly she spread Her legs apart. And when I did it I felt no shame. All at once The white stuff came. At last it's finished It's all over now. My first time ever At milking a cow...
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Karl
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/24 14:35A man suspected his wife of cheating on him, so he hired a famous chinese detective Dr. Yogosaki Hiroshima. He told him to keep an eye on his wife and see what she does the whole week and report back to him. A week later the man recieves this report from the chinese detective:
You leave house.
He come house.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she get off train.
I follow.
He and she go into hotel.
I climb tree, look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree.
No see.
No fee.
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tonypark
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/31 14:23Husband and Wife were on their 10 th anninersay trip to Hotel....Wife was naked and sad to Hubby... When you saw me naked all those years ago ,what did you think.. Hubby repllied...I wanted to s..g your brains out and suck your breast dry.... She said....What are you thinking now ???? Hubby....Was thinking I did a good job ....xxxx
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ducky
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/31 18:30police arrested two kids yesterday,one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off
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Scotty
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/09/02 17:20A man goes to town on Friday,spends two days in town then comes home on Friday.How can this happen. His horse is called Friday.
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Karl
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/09/07 16:02A really sloppy drunk is draped over the bar. The bartender tells him, "OK, you've had enough. I'm not going to serve you anymore, so get out of here and go home."
The drunk leaves the bar. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through the back door. The bartender tells him, "I told you to go home, I'm not serving you anything more, you've had enough, now go home." The drunk leaves again.
Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through a side door. Again, the bartender tells him, "Man, I told you, you're wasted. I'm not serving you anymore, now go home, you've had enough." Again, the drunk leaves.
Fifteen minutes later the drunk comes back through another side door. The bartender says, "What the hell is the matter with you? I keep telling you, you've had enough already, and I'm not going to serve you anymore, now go home!"
The drunk looks up at the bartender and asks, "How many places do you work at?"
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Dorrie
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/09/09 08:56Grandma gave small boy bag of sweets,he grabbed them and said nothing.What do you say my lad said Grannie,still no response,what is the magic word she said,the lad replied Abracadabra.
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good one karl
