Re:It,s the way you tell em - 2008/07/27 00:28An old lady celebrating her 100th birthday is wheel,d into garden by her family,she can only communicate by writing notes,she starts to lean to the left and they prop her up with pillows,she starts to lean to the right and again she is propped up,she starts to lean forward and they tie a sheet round her,Her favorite grandson says are you alright grandma? she writes they wont let me fart
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Scotty
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Re:It,s the way you tell em - 2008/07/27 09:07Little pigeon in the sky Dropping (things)from way up high Angry farmer wipes his eye Very glad that cows dont fly
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bjm49
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Re:It,s the way you tell em - 2008/07/29 11:47a german bloke crashed into a sausage factory,he had a turn for the wurst.
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Scotty
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Re:It,s the way you tell em - 2008/07/29 14:20What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer.A brick layer
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bjm49
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Re:It,s the way you tell em - 2008/07/30 10:45The pope flies into new york and is met by a massive limo,i would love a go at driving that he says,no way says driver, i,ll get the sack,i will make it worth your while says pope so driver gets in the back and pope flies down highway at 100mph,a traffic cop pulls him and seeing who it is calls his sergent,ive just pulled over god for speeding he says, god how do you know? well he is sitting in the back and the pope is driving.
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Karl
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Re:It,s the way you tell em - 2008/07/30 12:13The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied, 'because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into mummy and daddy's bedroom the other night and mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh ! God, I'm coming!' 'If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'
The Nun fainted...
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Scotty
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Re:It,s the way you tell em - 2008/07/30 17:03Man died and was waiting at the gates of heaven.St Peter said now my son what have you done to merit entrance to heaven.Well said the man I gave a homeless person 25p last week.St Peter looked at Gabriel who nodded to confirm this was correct.Well that is not enough to get into heaven my son.Wait said the man I also gave a homeless person 25p two years ago,Gabriel nooded again to confirm this was true.St Peter thought for a few minutes then whispered to Gabriel what shall we do with this fellow.Gabriel said oh give him his 50p back and tell him to go to hell.
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Karl
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/07/31 16:38addy n Murphy workin on a buildin site.Paddy says 2 Murphy 'I fancy the day off,im gonna pretend im mad' He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down n shouts 'IM A LIGHTBULB IM A LIGHTBULB' at the top of his voice Murphy watches in amazement. The foreman shouts 'Paddy get down,pack yr tools,yr mad,go home'. He leaves the site. Watching this Murphy starts packing up 2. 'Where r u goin?' asks the foreman.'i can't work in the dark!'
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bjm49
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/07/31 18:57a man comes home with a bunch of flowers,his wife lookes and says i suppose you want me to lie on my back with my legs open for them,?he replies, no dear a vase will do.
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bjm49
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/01 11:56A man bought his wife a coat made of 2000,hampster skins he took her to Blackpool for the day,it took him hours to get her off the big wheel.
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bjm49
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/05 11:10A bloke says to his neighbour, you should close your curtains when you make love to your wife,all the street was laughing at you last night,well the jokes on them,i wasnt home last night.
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tonypark
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/05 18:31Why is a priest like a Guiness......Both black bodies with white collars....Get a bad one and watch your backside xxxxxx
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tonypark
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/05 19:05I woke this morning to be surprised by a stunning looking Parrot in my garden......Walking slowly towards it,not to frighten it....all it kept repeating (about 40 times) was..Good morning you ugly old git.... Does it belong to anyone on here xxxxx
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bjm49
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/06 12:02Prince Charles finds an ancient bottle in his celler,rubs it and out pops a genie. you can have one wish he says,Charles says i accidently run over my mothers favourite corgi this morning can you bring it back to life? the genie looks at the dog splatterd all over the road,sorry thats impossible he says,Make Camilla beutiful then,the genie scratches his head and says lets look ay that dog again.
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Karl
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/06 14:29The Genius of Peter Kay. 1. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said Thyroid problem? 2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. 3. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming 4. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder.... I don't get on with my real ladder. 5. Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way. 6. My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. 7. Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 8. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should beenough.' 9. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of Meat? 10. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. 11. You know that look women get when they want sex ? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions... 1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed? 2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? 3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? 4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side? 5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'? 6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? 7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date? 8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a Horrible crisp no one would eat? 9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing? 10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'? 11. What do people in China call their good plates? 12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom? 13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'? 14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure? 16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths 1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. 2. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying. 3. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger. 4. You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps. 5. Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator 6. Reading when you're drunk is horrible. 7. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden. 8. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. 9. You never know where to look when eating a banana. 10. Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball... 11. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school. 12. The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad. 13. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half Way through and then raced against the flush. 14. It?s impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee. 15. You never ever run out of salt. 16. There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something. 17. No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers. 18. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan. 19. The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug. 20. People who don't drive slam car doors too hard. 21. You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with. 22. Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose
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TheLadyMagenta
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/06 16:44Man says to wife "your backsides the size of a three burner barbeque" Later in bed a nudges his wife hopefully so she looks over her shoulder and says "no point lightin a barbeque for half a flippin sausage!!"
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TheLadyMagenta
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/06 16:46Whats the difference between PMT and BSE? one attacks the cows brain sending it mad, and the other obnes an agricutural problem.
sorry ladies but i thought this was hilarious.
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tonypark
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/06 16:57Naked man standing in front of mirror..Says to wife..You know,when I look at myself I get aroused xx Thats because you look like a pussy..says wife xxxxx (edited version )
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Foolish man give wife Grand Piano...Wise man give wife Upright Organ....
Man who walk through Airport turnstile sideways...Going to Bangkock xxxxxx
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tonypark
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/06 17:21Prince Charles took up Jogging in the mornings and came across a prostitute who yelled at him £150.. He called back £50 ,just to shut her up... This process went on for weeks until one morning Camilla said she wanted to come.... Fearing the worst when he got to the prostitute,as they approached..She yelled out..See what you get for £50 xxxxxx
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bjm49
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/07 11:45A rich widow placed an advert in the paper saying, rich widow wants a man who wont beat her up or run off with her money,must be good in bed,bloke turns up and she says you have no arms or legs, he replies i cant beat you up and i cant run away,she asks why do you think your great in bed? he replies i rang the doorbell didn,t i.
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ducky
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/07 19:14Scotty wrote: When God finished his creation of Adam,he stepped back scratched his head and said"I can do better than that"
and created eve who was a masterpiece
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bjm49
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/08 10:21An elderly couple were at a church service, half way through she leans over and whispers to her husband i just let out a silent fart,wot do you think about that? he replies put a new battery in your hearing aid.
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tonypark
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/08 16:58Theres a new Doll on the market... Its got no clothes.. Its got no shoes.. Its got no make-up.. Its got no house.. Its got no car... Its got nothing whatsoever.. Its called Zimbarbie xxxx
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Scotty
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/08 17:05Doctor I have a serious problem,I can never remember what I just said.When did you first notice this problem.What problem
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tonypark
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/08 17:10Man goes into Library an asks for a book on..Suicide.. P..s off says the Librarian..You wont bring it back xxx boom boom xxx
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tonypark
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/08 17:15Man comes home from work and tels his wifehes been sacked....What for she asks... Well, you know I work in the meat section....I was caught with my manhood in the meat-slicer... In the name of good hygiene practice and decent behaviour...what made you do it and what did they do to the Slicer...??? Ive no idea what came over me...it was a brain-malfunction.... as for the meat-slicer...they sacked Her too xxx boom boom...(old but still kicking joke ) xxxx
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Scotty
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Re:It's the way you tell em - disability site - 2008/08/08 17:17A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west.He sidles up to the bar and announces"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"
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Later in bed a nudges his wife hopefully so she looks over her shoulder and says "no point lightin a barbeque for half a flippin sausage!!"
sorry ladies but i thought this was hilarious.
