It,s the way you tell em

Hotel advertisement:

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

As its school holidays and me being a bit of a kid ...I decided to have a water-fight with the football yobs next door....
The moment the kettle boils I will be out there xxxx :whistle: :blink:

A friend of mine had an accident at work and had an ear torn off.

At the hospital they asked him if he would be willing to help with their research and have a pigs ear to replace the one he had lost.

They said that they would shape it so that it would look real, so he agreed and the job was done.

I saw him about a month after he had had his new pigs ear and it looked amazing, so I asked him if it worked OK.

He said \"it's fine but I do get a bit of crackling now and again\".

I went into a local pub.....and sat in the corner drinking alone was former Sgt. Major Horace Scuttle....war hero of the D-Day landings who had lost his right hand and left ear whilst taking a Gun Implacement......
Being a local Hero I shouted to him...what are you drinking Horace ?????
Horace responded.....No thanks...Ive Got One Ear xxxx :ohmy:

So this guy went to work with his feet bandaged up so his mate asked him what happened.

\"Well\" said the guy, \"I was cooking ma dinner\".

Puzzled, his mate said \"how did you hurt yer feet?\"

\"Oh\" said the guy. \"I was making spaghetti and the packet said stand in boiling water for 10 minutes\".

:woohoo:

Two guys erecting some fences.....whilst erecting the posta...one held the post whilst other hit with a large sledge hammer....
Guy holding the post said......When I nod my head....Hit it xxxx :ohmy: :woohoo:

A man gets stuck in traffic near parliament. He asks a police officer what the hold-up is, and is told:

\"The prime minister is so depressed about the UK's debt that he's stopped his car and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself alight.\"

\"What are you going to do?\" asks the man.

\"We're putting together a collection for him,\" says the officer.

\"How much have you got?\" asks the man.

\"About 40 gallons,\" says the officer.

:woohoo:

Guy was fishing by the river bank and tears were flowing down his face....A passer-by noticed and asked what his problem was....
Fisherman replied...My wife has run off with my best friend......I realy miss Him xxxx :ohmy: :whistle:

Astronaut: \"Houston, we have a problem.\"

Houston: \"What?\"

Astronaut: \"The Russians painted the moon red!\"

Houston: \"Well, do you guys have white paint with you?\"

Astronaut: \"Yes. Why?\"

Houston: \"Write Coca-Cola on it.\"

Police officer stopped a motorist doing 120 mph without effective brakes.....
In his defence the motorist said that he was trying to get home quick....before he had an accident xxxx :ohmy:

Which cheese would you use to entice a grizzly down from a mountain? Camembert.

What cheese would you use for hiding small horses? Mascarpone.

What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East? Cheeses of Nazareth.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

I've just realised that tofu is overrated. It's literally just a curd to me.

A Story with a Moral....

A girlfriend told me to call over to her house one day.Upon arrival her sexy sister was alone.

She whispered in my ear....Im feeling horny,so please screw me now......

I turned and went to the front door to go to my car.....My girlfriend standing there hugged me and said ...You have won my trust....

Moral....Its better to keep your condoms in the car rather than your pocket xxxx :woohoo: