It,s the way you tell em

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, \"I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in Vietnam. Could you help me?\"

\"Of course,\" the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses, and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively.


\"Don't touch me!\" he cried, \"I'm on a disability pension!\"

A man walking round the Olympic village carrying a pole.

Second man goes up to him and asks, \"are you a pole vaulter?\"

\"No, a German but how did you know my name is Walter?\"

Gandra wrote:

A man walking round the Olympic village carrying a pole.

Second man goes up to him and asks, \"are you a pole vaulter?\"

\"No, a German but how did you know my name is Walter?\"

First told by Chic Murray at The Glasgow Empire and stood the test of time xxxx :ohmy: :laugh:

A woman remained at her husband's bedside as he slipped in and out of a coma for several months.

When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she next to him, he said, \"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you stayed by my side. There's only one thing left to say.\"

\"What's that?\" she asked.

\"I'm beginning to think you bring me bad luck!\"

Live on BBC 1 tonight...World Cup Preview.....except in Scotland who will be shown the film....Out of Africa xxxx :lol:

A man is walking from the lake carrying two fish in a bucket. He is approached by the game warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The man says to the warden, \"I did not catch these fish, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and whistle and these fish jump out and I take them around to see the sights only to return them at the end of the day.\"

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The man turns to the warden and says, \"If you don’t believe me then watch,\" as he throws the fish back into the water.

The warden says, \"Now whistle to your fish and show me how they jump out the water.\"


The man turns to the warden and says, \"What fish?\"

An RAF pilot was flying over Afghanistan and shocked when two flying carpets came alongside with machine guns...His instincts and training made him shoot them down....
When he landed he was taken to the CO and given a bollocking.....It appears that they were...Allied Carpets xxxx :ohmy: :whistle:

As two women sat in a coffee shop, they started to discuss their home lives. One said, \"It seems like all Robert and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset that I've lost fifteen pounds.\"

\"Why don't you just leave him then?\" asked her friend.

\"Oh, not yet,\" the first replied, \"I'd like to lose at least ten more pounds first!\"

My wife ran off with my best friend.....I do miss him xxxx

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. \"We need a fourth for poker,\" said the friend.

\"I'll be right over,\" whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, \"Is it serious?\"

\"Oh yes, quite serious,\" said the doctor gravely.

\"In fact, there are three doctors there already!\"
:laugh: :lol: :woohoo:

I wouldnt say that my mother-in-law was fat.But she got a wide-load escort when she walked to the shops ....xxxx:blink:

I wouldnt say that my mother-in-law was ugly.But she was asked to move in the waxworks ...House of Horror.....xxxx :ohmy:

I wouldnt say that my Irish friend was thick.But he thought Muffin the Mule was a sexual offence ...xxxx :ohmy: :whistle:

Walter, who is quite elderly is resting peacefully on the front porch of a nursing home in the country, sees a cloud of dust up the road.

He watches a farmer approaching with a wagon.

\"Good afternoon!\" hollers out Walter.

\"Afternoon,\" says the farmer.

\"Where you headed?\" asks Walter.

\"Town.\"

\"What do you have in the wagon?\" Walter continued.

\"Manure.\"

\"Manure, eh? What do you do with it?\"

\"I spread it over my strawberries,\" the farmer says matter-of-factly.

\"Well,\" says Walter, \"you should come back here for lunch someday. We use whipped cream.\"