It,s the way you tell em

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

\"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'\" she asked.

\"Well, no,\" answered the puzzled homeowner, \"But I have a wife and eleven children.\"

\"Is that a record?\" she inquired.

\"I don't think so,\" replied the man, \"but it's as close as I want to get.\"

[Hi Deafblindwheeler - love your joke :kiss: ]

Paddys wife goes to the doctor complaining that after ten years of marriage she had never had an orgasm.
The doctor advises her to relax and use a fan to keep her cool during sex.
Paddy refused to buy a fan and asked his mate if he would mind waving a towel whilst they had sex.
Next day she asked Paddy if they could swap over,so Paddys mate had sex with her.After 20mins she had a massive orgasm....
Paddy looked at his mate and said.....and thats how to flap a towel my son xxxx :whistle:

\"Here's something to think about ...

I recently registered with a new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age... (I just turned 49.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied... 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a ****?\"

A mans wife smashed him in the face...

He said...What was that for???
She replied..I found a piece of paper in your jacket pocket with Sexy Sarah on it...

Quick as a flash he said...Thats the name of the horse I bet on yesterday...you silly cow ...

A week later she hits him with a frying pan...

In the name of sanity woman..what was that for???

She replied....Your bloody horse phoned today xxxx :whistle:

A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, \"Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can be my date this evening.\"

So the Doberman says, \"I love liver and cheese.\"

The Collie replies, \"That's not good enough.\"

The Bulldog says, \"I hate liver and cheese.\"

She says, \"That's not creative enough.\"

Finally, the Chihuahua says, \"Liver alone ... cheese mine.\"

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

\"Dopey, my son,\" says the Pope, \"what can I do for you?\"

Dopey asks, \"Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?\"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, \"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.\" I

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back \"Your Worship, are they're any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?\"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, \"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe\"

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, \"Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?\"

\"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.\"

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting...

\"Dopey screwed a penguin!\"...
\"Dopey screwed a penguin!\"...

I came out of the local chippy with a sausage-in-batter...piece of Cod.....cod roe.....fish cake....steak pie...and double portion of chips..
Sitting outside was a scruffy,homeless person who said..I havent eaten in four days...
I said....I wish I had your will-power xxxx :woohoo:

Rules of Golf:

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain protection, just in case.

10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.

More advanced players will find alternate means of playwhen this is the case.

11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.

14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

I was getting my breakfast in the kitchen and when I looked out I saw four Skinheads beating up a muslim extremist....
As I watched the full magnitude of the horror hit me......My Toast was Burning xxxx :blink: :woohoo:

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Jack or Jill. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Jill came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: \"Jill, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.\"

\"Could you jack off?\" she says. \"I feel like shit.\"

Went into pet shop....
May I have three Bluebottles please....said I...
We dont sell Bluebottles....said the salesman..
Well,you had some in the window yesterday xxxx :ohmy:

Overheard in a supermarket:

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco, and was standing in the queue at the till, waiting to pay. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse , I told her no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't, because the last time I had ended up in hospital, but I had lost 50lbs before I awakened in an Intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her it was essentially a perfect diet, and the way that it worked is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try again.

Horrified she asked if I'd ended up in hospital because I had been poisoned. I told her, no, it was because I had been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me!