dating able bodied people

Well I take people as they are. you cant change someone without chipping away at who they are and in the process destroying what attracted you to them in the first place and ultimately the person being changed will resent you for it.

The one I was with tried changing me, my style of glasses (to the point of uselessness as the frames were barely big enough for the varifocal lenses) and the way I dressed.

The clothes issue really bugged me. Because of the state of my hands I cant handle buttons or anything fiddly. That means i usually wear t-shirts/seat shirts and tracksuit bottoms so I dont have the indignity of someone having to help dress me or even help going to the loo. So if I do for example wear normal trousers they tend to be a couple of inches too big and tightened with a belt resulting in me looking like a sack of potatoes. It seemed to be more about excerting power by trying to implement changes than anything.

If I wanted to go out with a girl I wouldnt care if she wore a bin liner tied in the middle with a piece of string she would still loo gorgeous to me and blow what anyone else thought.

I think the control issue is more to do with the controller's own low self esteem and finding someone they can have power over. low self esteem can affect anyone who feels disadvantaged and that includes the disabled.

I dont discount dating other disabled people, I would feel a hypocrit if I did. Even looks arnt everything (they certainly werent for that last one) Its not that disabilities, looks or even what is between someones ears dont matter, they all do but to different degrees with different people. Its just to many people, disabilities and all it entails is a deal breaker.

The other thing is between disabled people, some might be looking for a carer rather than just a partner (I was looking for an understanding girlfriend, what I got was a carer with benefits) but even with 2 disabled people, it depends on both their degrees and nature of disability if they are going to be compatible.<br><br>Post edited by: Dondilly, at: 2008/10/31 01:24

I have seen a lot of relationships between able bodied people and it is always the female who likes to be in fully control of their partner. Its called being under the thumb.

I don't think its because of your disability. Some women are just like this.

I dont think it fair to say that its always the women who like to control.... I completely disagree with that.

I have seen and had to comfort people that has been controled and abused by men and trust me its not easy to see (but I will always be there for them no matter how many time it happens). I have to sit and watch someone I love being controlled by her fella everday and he controls her to the point that shes feels that she will have nothing if he leaves no matter what others say.

Some abuse can be hidden ... just dont jump to conclusions that its always the womens fault .... men can be equal to blame.

yep I agree with you cheeky. its not a male/female thing. I dont think someone ends up with a control freak by accident. I think the controller is attracted to people that for what ever reason they feel they can get the upper hand. They have probably got a bigger underlying self esteem problem that the person being controlled or abused.

at first they are always on their best behaviour, the perfect partner but then start slowing chipping away at the other person. In my case although my disabilities are mild compared to many of you, the effects are such that it is enough all round to kill off work prospects, transport etc.

In my case I was so dependent on her for both help nd company that I found it impossible to kick her out. Even so I knew I just culdnt go on as I was getting totally stressed out and resented her laying in the bed next to me getting a good nights sleep while she was putting me through hell, so I stopped sleeping with her. After that one acidental good nights sleep on the sofa it was like my chance to break free and I just could not face getting back in that bed without things changing.

I really did hope right to the end that the penny would drop and everything would be normal. Of course they didnt and she left. Though I got all the generic I realised I didnt love you stuff, I realise if she could put someone through that, love never entered into it in the first place. She left because she lost her grip on me.

Had I of caved in, she would still be here, but I doubt if there would be much of me left.

Yes I now feel lonely, but that had been building up over the months I had put my foot down. The first couple of weeks were hell emotionally but Ive come out the other side and feel a lot less stressed than I have in a long time.

One thing I felt better about today. I know I admitted to cheeky in a mail that I was trying to get this one refered to the pova list as I think she has no place working with vulnerable people. While social services have been useless other than confirming the belief based on my statements abuse took place. CSCI who inspect the care homes played the list down abd i later found hat they have the power to bypass an employer and refer the employee directly (I am unlikely to get the homes cooperation. Anyway, today I was on the phone to the POVA manager to administers the blacklist and outlined by case. He realised without me saying that the home was a waste of time and advised putting csci on the spot by putting it in writing. I asked about evidence as it would come down to my word against hers and it was his view that she had no place being up here in the first place so I still might succeed. I will say what I say to everyone, its not out of hate but I cant let her put someone else who might not come out the other side through what I went through.

Im like a jack russell at someones ankles I wont let go of this until I know that even if the referal itself fails, pova would at least have my complaint on file so they can get her next time.

I hope there is no next time, either by succeeding or the unlikely even she finds an able bodied guy more capable of keeping her in check and can also put up with her halitosis which is unlikely lol<br><br>Post edited by: Dondilly, at: 2008/11/01 05:26

One thing I did tonight, mainly with the intention of passing the link around her workplace create a site.

The initial content is largely derrived from what I posted here but with an identity added and a degree of sarcasm when initially describing her.

I have also added a poll on the side of the page open to all to vote. If you got firefox as well as explorer you get 2 votes. The more the merrier and if anyone fancies increasing its exposure linking it to other blogs that would be great.
exgirlfiend.blogspot.com/

Ok so you got bit - at your most vulnerable and lowest time, you got bit! learn from it and move on. you seem a fairly intelligent guy, please don't fall for that tit-for-tat nonsense, it will only make you bitter and will become all-consuming.

Like me, stop looking for that \&quot;special someone\&quot;, get out, enjoy life, be assured, be confident in yourself. Life's too short to worry about it (and believe me, with Terminal Cancer, I KNOW).
Meet new people, make new friends, try not to attach yourself to one only, try to be cheerful when you're out and about, even if you have pains -- try not to let everyone see them!
You, like me, have come-out-of-the-wheelchair, and yeah, we hobble and wobble, but we're upright!
And we have that (special) assurance, that with our own efforts, we can live a \&quot;normal\&quot; life!

Life ain't so bad y'know, there is always someone worse off than you are!

So get out there, put on your best bib and tucker, and your gorgeous smile, and get out and meet folks.

When the time is right, you will meet that special someone we all crave for, and not a jot of effort from you will prove to you it's right.

And if you're not doing anything on the 18th Novemember, why not join some of us at \&quot;Posh's Tea Party\&quot; ??

(That \&quot;special someone\&quot; you crave, might just be....
me! :whistle: )

No Im not on a downer about it and it isnt tit for tat.

The point is the law is there to protect us from what she is doing. The stress levels she was putting me under there are many that wouldnt come out the other side. That is why the complaint is in against her.

Im not holding out for someone perfect far from it

dondilly im real sorry you gone through this......

you have every right to be angry about what has happenned to you...and thanks for the alert....many lessons learnt here me thinks.......have to say i hate the vulnerability we get to this, when we are in need.

you gone through a lot, the authorities have been informed, you have shared with ppl wat has happennd.....

..now time to focus on you, and rebuilding your life and realationships and make new ones....


now...we here are a nice bunch, coming from many ages, different backgrounds, and political beliefs....we meet up allmost daily here at this site to chat, joke be silly and to share our lives........thank you for joining us and sharing as you have....will you venture out into the rest of the site?....


suzan xx

:blink: :blink: :blink:


was it me?...did i offend???....u not been back?????


suzan xx

CAN ANY OF YOU ABLE HERE FAMILY ME PLEASE
I'VE BEEN DISABLED NOW COMING UP FOR MY 7th YEAR BUT I JUST CANT EXCEPT IT I USE TO BE SO ABLE BODIED I'VE WORKED SINCE LEAVING COLLEGE AT 18 EVEN HAD A SAT JOB
WORKED AS CHEF IN CR.P RESTS HOTELS THEN WENT TO REFORM CLUB(AROUND THE WORLD IN 60 DAYS FILLI FOG)CHEF DE PARTI
THEN GRENWICH ROYAL NAVEL COLLEGE SOUX CHEF (VEG/CREM-DE-MONT SECTION)THEN WENT TO PUBIL SECTOR MONEY WENT DOWN HILL:( LUCKERLY GOT A JOB FOR THE PRISON SERVICE AS A CIVILIAN COOK BUT COULD COPE WITH COPE WITH BEING CALLED A COOK LOL:woohoo: 10 YEARS LATER WENT CIVI NEW MANAGER CAME IN EX ARMY WANTED ALL HIS CROWNIS IN(SORRY SPELLING)BULLIED ME AND FEW OTHER CIVIS IN THE RELMS OF JOBS SO WE COULD COMPLAIN HARD TO EXPLAIN WHILE THIS GOING ON MY LITTLE GIRL BORN SKYE NOW 9 MY BOY PERSRIDED ADHD ME HOLDING DOWN PRISON JOB PLUS DOORJOB(BOUNCER)FINISH PRISON 6PM CLUB 8PM-3.30AM PRISON 6AM START7AM 6 DAYS A WEEK THEN FINALLY I LEFT IN 03 I THINK BUT I ALWAYS HAD A SHORT FUSE NEVER HIT ANYONE BUT TEMPER GOT WORSE WHAT DO I DO HOW DO I COPE OH YE KIDS R HOME TUTORED NOT MY CHOICE LOOK DONT SL.G ME CAUSE IT WOULD TOP ME BUT YE I SHOULD OF BEEN STRONGER BUT I WERNT DONT SL.G HER EITHER CONSTRUCTIVE ONLY PLEASE I REALLY NEED FRIENDS

Hi Teddy I was once ablebodied and worked untill my illness slowly took hold, so I can understand you and how you feel. If you ever want to chat message me via ask Amanda on the forum (that is who I am!) I will try and help and answer any questions you have.I have been where you are now and come through it pretty o.k! Of course I have bad days you always will, but having someone who has been where you are a sort of wing man if you like.Does help, I had someone to get me through it.This is what you need. And I am willing to help you if you want that. Bubbadog14. (Amanda)

Hello, havnt been here ina while, but thought id comment on all this what ive read. I can see that loads of people have been threw alot of problems with dating etc with disabled and non disabled folks.

Ive quite bad arthritis,and at one time, when i first found this website i was dating and ended up moving in with my then partner, who we will cal W, W was so possivessive of me that he went threw the pics that i wud put up of myself, and if he thought one was to nice, as he wud say, he wud want me to put one up which he thougt i didnt look my best so men wudnt want to talk to me. which wasnt why i was here, but he so didnt trust me and he had been hurt by women in the past, and thought i was jus the same. I worked in a mainly men orintainted job, and he never trusted me going to work, always didnt want me to look nice.Our relationship lasted almost 2 yrs, after which it finhed. but not after me loosing thouands of pounds becasue my wages had all gone into his house fixing it up, i was lead to believe by him, that this was to be our home 2gether and were my children wud live, but after his home was the way he liked it, i was no longer needed. He never took me out as a partner is meant to, never did anything for me, only took my money and made me know what being in love and someone loving you for the rite reason is meant to feel like. Now, im engaged and livinga perfect life with my finace for almst 2 years, and im not working, and my health is even worse that it was when i was with W. But the main thing i want to say, he was diabled himself, he didnt work, and was on benfits, which ended up being hunderds of more than i was on for working.