Joke of the Day

I found a DVD the other day called....Bald and Barely Lehgal....Quite aroused I rushed home and put it into the player and settled down to watching a nice bit of filth....Imagine my discust when I discovered it was produced by The Ministry of Transport ...about illegal Car Tyres xxxx

Hey mate really need your advice for serious problem ! I suspected for some time now that the misses has been cheating. The usual signs; phone rings, if i answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot.. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight i hid in the shed behind the motorbike when she came home she got out of some ones car she was buttoning her blouse and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the motorbike i noticed it... a hairline crack in the engine mounting bracket.. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it . . . . ?

:laugh: :side: I would Replace it Karl..You never know if a weld will let you down :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Best to not weld as this upsets the molecular integrity of the frame, once the frame is originally welded it is then heat treated as an entirety so a localised repair may weaken the structure, dump the bird

No...Train the bird...take her on the bike xxxx xxxx

Twenty reasons why Chocolate is better than sex:

1.You can GET chocolate.

2.\"If you love me you'll swallow that\" has real meaning with chocolate.

3.Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4.You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5.You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6.You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7.If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8.Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9.The word \"commitment\" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10.You can have chocolate on top of you workbench/desk during
working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11.You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12.You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13.With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14.Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15.You can have chocolate at any time of the month..

16.Good chocolate is easy to find.

17.You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18.You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19.When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.

20.With chocolate size doesn't matter.

Twenty reasons why Chocolate is better than sex:

1.You can GET chocolate.

2.\"If you love me you'll swallow that\" has real meaning with chocolate.

3.Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4.You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5.You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6.You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7.If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8.Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9.The word \"commitment\" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10.You can have chocolate on top of you workbench/desk during
working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11.You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12.You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13.With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14.Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15.You can have chocolate at any time of the month..

16.Good chocolate is easy to find.

17.You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18.You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19.When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.

20.With chocolate size doesn't matter.

The census taker knocked on Miss Gibson’s door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. “But everybody tells their age to the census taker,” the man said. “Did Miss Mary Hill and Miss Patty Hill tell you their ages?”
“Certainly.” Well, I’m the same age as they are,” she snapped. “As old as the Hills,” the man wrote on his form.

A man visiting New York stopped at a restaurant which claimed it could supply any dish ordered, so the tourist asked the waiter for Kangaroo on toast. The waiter came back a while later and said, “I am so sorry, sir, but we have run out of bread.”

TEACHER: IF I GAVE YOU 2 RABBITS , AND ANOTHER 2 RABBITS AND ANOTHER 2,
how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another
2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and
another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and
another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the f**k do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I have 1 at home!!!

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to a local ,
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a fucken liar.

At the end of a long work week, a group of coal miners discovered that one of them, Young Billy, was a virgin. Well, they decided this wasn’t right, and pooled their money to remedy the situation. They talked him into going out for a night on the town; got him all cleaned up, and drove to the local brothel.

Upon entering, the ring leader went to the Madame, explained the situation and gave her £100. She assured him she would fix Billy up right; so they all left Billy there to enjoy himself.

Being naive, Billy asks the madame what’s going on. She explains to him that he is about to become a man, courtesy of his friends.
\"All you have to do is choose one of my girls and she will take care of you.\"
Well, Billy looks around at the group of women before him and, after several minutes of pondering, picks a likely looking girl to take upstairs.

Once they are in their room, the girl says to Billy,\" I hear you’re a virgin boy. So what’s your pleasure? You want missionary, Greek, doggy style, \"round the world, 69 or what?\"
Billy says,\" Gosh ma’am, just give me what you think I oughta have.\"
\"No Boy, I’m a professional. You need to tell me what you want.\"
Billy decides 69 sounds pretty good, so they settle into the proper position. After several minutes of missing the target, Billy finally gets it right and is starting to enjoy. Sadly the whore had beans for tea and lets loose a little fart in his face.
Billy shakes his head, thinking it’s part of the fun, and continues lickin\" away.
A little while later, she passes wind again.
Billy still thinks it’s part of the fun and dives back in with a vengeance, lickin\" like there’s no tomorrow.
A few minutes later,she really lets loose with a fart that curls Billy’s eyebrows.

He pushes her off of his face and says, \"Ma’am, I don’t want you to think I’m not enjoyin\" myself or anything but I’m buggered if I can take another 66 of those.\"