Joke of the Day

The French entry for the team...Round The World Yaught Race....were devastated last night when they were passed on the finishing line by 6 Pakistanis on a Garage Door xxxx :ohmy: :blink:

Teacher :


Can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness & peace into people's lives?




Little Johnny :


Smo-king , Drin-king & Fuc-king...

The International Red Cross knocked on my door today...They asked me whether I wanted to contribute to the Floods in South East Australia......

I said that I would ..but my garden Hose pipe would only reach to the end of my drive xxxx :ohmy:

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It 's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

The Police knocked on my friends front door and showed him a photo....
police officer...Excuse me Sir ,but is this your wife...
friend...My goodness ,yes it is..whats happened..
police...Well it looks as if shes been in a car accident.....
friend...Yes ,I know..but she has a great personality xxxx :ohmy:

VERY SAD NEWS

The guy who owned the Odean Cinema chain died today..



His funeral will be This Friday at....2.10...4.30..6.20.and 7.40

xxxx :laugh:<br><br>Post edited by: tonypark, at: 2010/09/07 18:29

I bumped into a friend this morning...hes only got one arm due to an accident....

I said..Where are you off to ???

He replied...To change a light bulb..

I said....That wont be easy for you..

He said..Yes it will,Ive got the receipt ..

xxxx

Dear Coleen Rooney, Fancy getting your own back on Wayne?Give me a call, yours lovingly,
John Terry x

I came out of a Chippy last night with a double portion of chips...a steak and kidney pie...two savaloys...three pickled onions...and a sausage in batter....A young begger sitting near the entrance said as I pssed......Excuse me Mr. but I havent eaten for four days.....
I looked at him and said that I wish I had his will-power xxxx :whistle:

Dustman calls to collect Dustbin. He knocks on the door and a Chinese man comes out. Where’s your bin...? Chinese man says I bin in the bedroom, Dustman says No where is your dust bin, Chinese man says I just told you I Dust bin in the bedroom. Dustman says NO where is your wheelie bin, Chinese man say ok I wheelie been having a wank.

What does a fat girl and a van load of plasterboard have in common ???

Ok..I apologise in advance ( non PC ) ....They both have a 95 per cent chance of being Nailed by a Polish Immigrant xxxx

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.


'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.


When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!


'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'


The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going

to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'


'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.


'No, from the f**kin' skippin'