It,s the way you tell em

Worker called into the office to see the boss.
What do you want first said the boss, the good news or the bad news.
Whats the good news,the good news is you have got the pay rise you asked for.
The bad news is I just made you redundant.

Did you hear about the Buddist who refused Novocain during a root canal.
His goal was Transcend Dental Medication:)

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in; She turned and said,
You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.’ His eyes lit up and he thought, ‘This is my lucky day.’Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced herAnd then gave it his all; Right there on the kitchen table.Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks,’ And returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked, ‘What was that all about?’She explained, ........ ‘The egg timer’s broken'

A Penguin went into a pub and asked the barman \"has my brother been in\" the barman replied \"what's he look like\"

Camel walked into the same pub...Barman said..Why the long face xxxx;) :whistle:


Same pub had a Rhino walk in...Barman said...We dont get many Rhinos in here...
Rhino replied...Im not surprised at £7 per pint xxxx:( :whistle:

Lady in dress shop \"can I try that dress on in the window\" Sorry madam you will have to use the changing room like everyone else.:lol:

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil ...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'

Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'

Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'

Guy: 'You better believe it'

Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'

Guy: 'Wow ... that's awesome!'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'

Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'

Guy: 'Cool!'

Satan: 'What about drugs?'

Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean ...?'

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'

Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: 'You gay?'

Guy: 'No...'


Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough ..

Sex, Church & Pancakes



Sex


The mother of a
17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter
was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant
and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the
family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful
and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in
rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,
the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of
condoms

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother
saying:

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm
dating Susan!'



Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand . He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'




Pancakes


Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their
little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his
rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there
was a large stack of warm
pan cakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father.

keep them comming Karl :lol: :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Great stuff Karl:lol:

Man .....I think Im a pair of Curtains
Doctor ....Pull yourself Together xxxx

Doctor ....Does it hurt when your touched there..
Man ....Yes doctor..what should I do???
Doctor ... Dont touch yourself there xxxx

Doctor ... Please put your feet up on couch..
Man .. Yes Doctor..are you going to examine me ??
Doctor ... No..Im going to put the vacuum over xxxx

Doctor .. Please remove all your clothing ..
Lady ... Where shall I put it ???
Doctor ... On top of mine xxxx

Man in Hospital .....I swallowed a Daffodile Bulb ,thinking it was an onion...Will I be OK doctor...
Doctor ... Youll be out in the Spring xxxx
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

very good tony made me laugh :laugh: