TOPIC: I never thought it would happen to me...

But I am becoming quite depressed, and almost a hermit! And for those who know me better than I know myself, that is unusual for me.
I don't wanna eat, I don't wanna drink, I don't even wanna smoke!

The latest scan showed my tumours have now split, as we knew they would, and the whole of my lymphatic system is now affected.

I told my consultant yesterday that I don't want any more Chemo, I've had enuff of it.

Anyway, it's only putting off the inevitable, isn't it.

I found myself curled up in a ball in the corner of the bedroom, just bawling my eyes out. Not through the pain, but through the realisation of it all.

And I have to admit to myself, that I'm shit scared.

All the money in the world is making no difference, so what did i work my ass off for, for all those years? I can't take it with me - there's no pockets in a shroud!

I ain't got the energy to do what I wanna do, and anyway, what's the point?
I've got nice things around me, things with lots of memories attached to them, but why am I bothering to keep them? Even Memories won't be with me when I'm 6 foot under.
And those Memories are mine alone, so they're no good to anyone else.

Makes me wonder, y'know... what's the point of life? Some say, to learn, to have experience, wisdom, respect of one's peers. Yeah, ok, but for what?

Cancer is a horrible modern disease. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But why can't the doc just give me a nice big dose of aneasthesia, and let it all finish, instead of now, when bodyily functions are giving up one by one, it's degrading, and it saps dignity.

And those folks we keep around us, who we love and respect are witnesses to the degregation.

Even our pet animals are given a better death than we are.<br><br>Post edited by: Posh, at: 2008/12/03 14:54

Hi Posh,

I so feel for you, I know, doesn't help a bit, but please, your not the only one, that feels this way, I promise.

My life has been one long struggle with medical condition after medical condition. I also sometimes wander, \"and the point is ?? \"
I have also been dealt another shit card recently, which has turned my life upside down (personnal issues) which makes me wonder, why the hell, do I bother, to struggle every day, day after day.
Just shoot me now!

The only way I get through, is being one very stubborn bitch!! I will not let, all the shit, thrown at me, WIN, I WILL NOT, I BLOODY REFUSE.

I know we all have different issues to deal with, life is hard bloody work, fullstop, let alone dealing with illness.

I know I can't help you, but please, remember we are all struggling every day, in different ways.
Just writing on here, is quite theraputic, it's the next best thing to talking to someone.

All I can say, is just keep typing, typing, typing................ and we are all here for you.

Lots of Love
Lisa

Some people die young, Some people die middle age, Some people die old, Some people die very old.

I have seen many people (school mates) died before their 18 birthday

You seem to had a good life and successful life. Ok not a long as you may like to be but you will find your answers when you have died. Im sure you will go into a better world.

Karl

LET YOUR DOCTORS DO ALL THERE TESTS THEN MAYBE YOU WILL
GET OVER THIS. IT IS A MOUNTAIN TO CLIMB I WON'T SAY I UNDERSTAND.I HAVE EPILEPSY AND I WAS TOLD WHEN I WAS 15
A HAD ALOT OF DIFFERNT TESTS. SEEM LIKE THE ID JUST WAKE
UP EVERY DAY TO GO TO THE HOSP. SO I STOPED TAKING MY MEDS .
AND WHAT HAPPENED . I HAD TO BE TAKEN TO THE HOSPTAL
BECASE I ALLMOST DIED. I FELT LIKE GARBAGE FOR A WEEK
TAKE YOU MEDS .LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTORS THATS WHAT I LEARNED .IN THE END THERE TRYING TO HELP EVEN THOUGH
YOU FEEL LIKE A PIN DOLL .
IF YOU WANT TO TALK
bear in my id

Yeah Lil, thanks fer that. I know I ain't \"the only one\", there's many on here who I think are in a worse state than me and I really do commend them on their daily struggles, but I faced up the the fact that I is dying, and it looks much like it'll be sooner rather than later.
My initial prognosis back in March was 3/4 months, and I proved them wrong on that one, but I am seriously fearful that it won't be much longer now.
I'm even getting angry with myself for bothering to get up in the morning! But folks is expecting me to fight on, and I just ain't got it no more.

I do think though that part of my problem is that I now have nothing to do all day, and it make the day long and tiresome. I can't work, cos I'm not well enough, but having something to look forwards to each day did help. Even playing with the cats now brings tears, because I'm worrying what will happen to them afterwards, even though I know I have made provisions for them all.

I think the early mornings and the evenings are the worst time for me, as I'm being left on my own a lot more as carers, nurses etc aren't around then.
And I refuse to go to bed in the daytime, cos something in me is saying that if I do that, I won't get up again. I even sold the wheelchair, but now wish I hadn't.

And I get on the scales and see that I'm losing wieght, that's if I don't count the 3-5 kg of tumour which I'm carrying around with me.
Even the Chemo has stopped it's job of shrinking the tumours, now it's just keeping them in check.

These disease is horrid. Every day, some other part of my body is giving up, (they say the brain is the last to go), and it annoys me.

Then I sit here wondering, why go through all this? For what?

Karl wrote:

Some people die young, Some people die middle age, Some people die old, Some people die very old.

I have seen many people (school mates) died before their 18 birthday

You seem to had a good life and successful life. Ok not a long as you may like to be but you will find your answers when you have died. Im sure you will go into a better world.

Karl

yeah karl, see ya point. dying IS part of living, but why anm I so afraid of it? Yeah, I've been lucky, and I've enjoyed my life suvch as it was, and I worked my ass of to grow a business from a donated wooden shed in the garden, to the multi million pound business it was when I sold it. But it make me wonder.. why? Why did I work 25 hours a day, it probably helped to kill me off! For the money? For the prestige? Or for the enjoyment of retirement? Or even for a \"nice\" death.

But is there a \"better world\"? All those religous folks keep trying to tell me there's a heaven, some even said that I might come back as someone/thing else! But y'know I think there just ain't anything after your body pacvks up.And if that's the truth, what was Life for? Why do we struggle each day, just to survive?
I even think now that there ain't an \"omnipotent God\", all seeing, all encompassing. it's just something the religious nuts made up to give folks some kind of hope.
and when folks \"pray\", they're just talking to the wind. And that's fine, if it helps them. each to their own eh?
but all that krap about karma, and reincarnation is just that - crap.
There just ain't nowt opt there, nothing.

And that scares me

Bear wrote:

LET YOUR DOCTORS DO ALL THERE TESTS THEN MAYBE YOU WILL
GET OVER THIS. IT IS A MOUNTAIN TO CLIMB I WON'T SAY I UNDERSTAND.I HAVE EPILEPSY AND I WAS TOLD WHEN I WAS 15
A HAD ALOT OF DIFFERNT TESTS. SEEM LIKE THE ID JUST WAKE
UP EVERY DAY TO GO TO THE HOSP. SO I STOPED TAKING MY MEDS .
AND WHAT HAPPENED . I HAD TO BE TAKEN TO THE HOSPTAL
BECASE I ALLMOST DIED. I FELT LIKE GARBAGE FOR A WEEK
TAKE YOU MEDS .LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTORS THATS WHAT I LEARNED .IN THE END THERE TRYING TO HELP EVEN THOUGH
YOU FEEL LIKE A PIN DOLL .
IF YOU WANT TO TALK
bear in my id

Ha ha ha ha Bear, you really do crease me up sometimes, and I know you mean it in goodness, but no, I won't \"get over this\" this time.

I am dying. Tumourous cancers are now all over my body travelling through my lymphatic system, eating me away from the inside. it's just a matter of time before one gets up my spine and into my brain.
And if the Chemo isn't doing it's job anymore, why continue it? Even the Consultant said the other day that \"we've come to the end of the line, there is nothing more we can offer you, but we can try to keep you going until something new does come into use that we can try. It's only a matter of time now, I'm so sorry.\".

SORRY??
Who's he trying to kid here??
Ok, so he's the no1 cancer guy in the UK, so he should know what he's doing, you'd think?

I think we put too much trust onto our Doctors. We want them to be miracle-workers, or gods, but they is only Uman, like us...they'll die too one day.

posh I am petrefide of death
I have seen people I lovly dearly die, one was out of the blue and one Like you had cancer.both deaths are gut wreching and hurtfull I lost my faith for a while on the first, I dont know happens when we die ,but because we are scared we need to belive in somthink, no matter what it is
When you where born all the people you came into conntact with up to now will have had there lives shaped a bit by you, there lives will have been better for it ...If nothink else please belive in that ..

For my two pennith worth...and everyone knows that I give my opinion at the drop of a hat....
I was brought up with loving grandparents who believed in the Spiritual Church....Ove the years Ive seen many things which can be explained thus....Previouse generations have a watching brief over us ,not to control so much as help point us in the right type of directions...Ive always had this feeling that someone from my family is watching over me...
I also believe that we have inner skills which can develop in adverse conditions....
Posh hun....I know you to be a lady of massive drive and control over your circumstances...You are now where we will all be at some time to come....If my inner feelings are correct,you will be guided through these desperate hours by souls that you are yet to meet......Your moving from one type of life to the next level....and again if Im correct....book us a table at a nice tea room,I still owe you afternoon cream tea....It will be my pleasure and honour to share it with you ( Ill find a way of bringing £10 xxxx

Aww, you is all so very sweet, and supportive,

thankyou.

You just don't know what a difference you make to my life, such as it is.

We can't choose our family, but our friends?

Can you tell, I is a bit more optimistic today?

(and for those of you in the west country (of the UK), watch out at around 11pm tonight, and listen for a sonic boom! Concorde, the ONLY one left flying (belongs to a private collection) will be going over your way)...

I've been offered a last ditch attempt, a study trial of a drug which is successful with Bowel Cancer, but not licenced in the UK (and not ok'd by NICE either), in Baltimore, Maryland.

If it works, I'll be back...

But, I won't be out of touch, as am taking laptop with me, but whther I'll be able to use it is another thing entirely

Happy Christmas, one and all.
And please folks, if you know someone who is going to be on their own this Christmas, bring a little cheer into their life.

lots of love, sincerely

Posh xx<br><br>Post edited by: Posh, at: 2008/12/05 08:53

Happy Christmas Posh and a very happy and long-lasting New Year xxxx

We are only nice to you because you mean a lot to us xxxx

posh, this isnt an easy journey....i really hope that this new treatment can help you, plz know that you have a special place in my thoughts, my online friend.

suz xx