For as long as I can remember I've always had doubt in myself. Wether it be if I am capable or something or if I'm simply good enough.
So when I started showing signs of mental illness (in my case depression) I was the first to question the validity of what I was feeling; I would wonder wether what I was feeling was actually a completely normal experience and I was overreacting or just looking for something thats wrong with me. Even when I was officially diagnosed with M.E. I can't help thinking that the symptoms I was experiencing were actually me just overthinking everything.
I think most of this is due to people like my parents simply not believing me when I was little if I ever said anything was wrong. I believed that everyone experienced the things I did and I just made more noise about it and I was making it a lot bigger than it was for everyone else.
So after thinking about this a while I've realised I really need to learn to trust my own body and if somethings not right I should believe that. I should be honest with what I can and can't do, what my limits are and learn to accept that I'm limited in ways that other "normal" people may not be.
Does anyone else experience this? I'd like to talk to people about it, because I feel like evryone else is so sure about that disability even when its not visible.
I think with family especially parents it's hard to believe their child is sick, I know my own parents couldn't believe or come to terms with me being ill. Especially something like Osteoporosis. My Mom still finds it hard when I give her an update.
As for body limits I'm the worst person to talk to! I always push myself a little too hard and end up paying the price with end up with a flare up that sometimes puts me in bed or have a fall. And my husband gives me a right telling off! But I think we all try and push ourselves well or sick people as it's the only way we know if we can do or achieve something but sick people like ourselves need to watch how far we do something as it can cause us bad damage. It's hard to say when to stop.
It has been over a year since disability stopped me in my tracks and I was confined to a rollator and wheelchair. I have experienced so many emotions, anger, rage, depression, frustration and at times felt like giving up. But I am still here learning everyday about living with disability and nowadays instead of beatinng myself up when a relapse comes or the uncontrolled movements worsen, I aam kinder to myself and try to accept. There is still the urge to pack in as much as I can but I try to temper this with the thought that some things can wait. I still feel guilt that I do need carers for some things. They cost a fortune as some of you will know. Some things are not neotiable like personal hygiene, cooking to eat, the general minutiea of living. During the Christmas period I did do too much and ended up nursing a stinking cold and hacking cough on New Years Eve. My body I think was telling me I needed more rest apart from the seasonal germ sharing! Luckily I don't have to work but I empathise with those who do. Lifee must be so exhausting with a disability as well and the need to work whether for stimulation or to earn a crust. Don't get me wrong I am not rich but I am able to fit in extra rest or mindfulness. I salute you who do this. Disability, whatever it is , is so exhausting at times. Listeninng to those "gut" feelings is an art and I am gradually learning to tune in. Listen, hear and acknowledge and don't apologise. The body and mind are a wonderful hing to be ignored at our peril or at least pain and discomfort.