Joke of the Day

I see Ray Allen ( world renouned Vent. act ) died this week....Lord Charles said he was..lost for words

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She says to St. Peter, \"What’s going on?\"

He says, \"That’s the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos.\"

She says, \"Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I’d rather go to Hell.\"

St. Peter says, \"In Hell, you’ll be constantly raped and sodomized.\"

She says, \"That’s okay. I’ve already got holes for that.\"

A Danish Scientist has made a remarkable discovery....his theory is that 98 pc have men have similar sized penis....These fall into two catagories.....Medium to Large ( being 4 to 9 inches) ....or Small to Medium ( being 1 inch to 3 inches ).....All confirmed tests have been carried out on the Mediums to Large...He is now looking for volunteers with Small Penis.....
If your interested then please show your interest by flying The Cross of St. George on your house or your car for the next three weeks :blink: :blush: :blush:

Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I’m a man) so badly that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned my \"Meat’n two veg’, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!

BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS !!!

Taxi driver had David Beckham in his cab on the way to Heathrow...Looking in his rear view mirror the driver asks....Go on David..give me clue...To which the response came back...
Well,I had several good years at Manchester United where I won several medals..moved on to Real Madrid and won medals there..On to LA Glaxy and AC Milan where Ive enjoyed much and paid highly.....There is a club in the Premiership Im in advanced negotiation but my lips are sealed Im afraid....
Driver looks in astonishment and says...No you dim Twat..what Terminal ????

The Banking Crisis simply explained...


Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day..

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland

These HD..3D televisions are so good...realy realistic...I was watching Liverpool v Chelsea and noticed my wallet had been stolen xxxx :blink:

Fat bitch in a bar says 'If you can guess my weight, you can f **k me.' A bloke says ''Bout three ton you fat ugly mole' She says 'That's close enough you lucky bastard'.

Man staggers into hospital with concussion,multiple bruises,two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped tightly round his throat.....Doctor asks...What happened to you ????
Man replies...I was playing Golf with the wife and we both sliced our balls into a field of cows...I found one stuck up a fat cows arse..called over to the wife..this looks like yours ...... Dont remember much after that xxxx :laugh:

The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking

A family are driving behind an Ann Summers delivery van when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen...
To hide her embarrassment the wife says to the 2 children...That was a big insect ....
To which the son replied....Im surprised it could f....ng fly with a cock that size xxxx :ohmy:

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

\"I'm afraid I don't have a husband\" she replies.

OK, do you have a boyfriend?\" asks the Midwife.

\"No, no boyfriend either.\"

\"Do you have a partner then?\"

\"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own.\"

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

\"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black\"

\"Well,\" replies the girl. \"I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The leading man was black.\"

\"Oh, I'm very sorry,\" says the midwife, \"that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward embarrassing questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.\"

\"Well yes,\" the girl again replies, \"you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?\"

\"Oh, I'm sorry,\" the midwife repeats, \"that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further, but your baby has slanted eyes.\"

\"Well yes,\" continues the girl, \"I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.\"

At this the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, and immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims \"Well, thank god for that!\"

\"What do you mean?\" says the midwife, quite shocked.

\"Well,\" says the girl extremely relieved,
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\"I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark.\"