Joke of the Day

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach and For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walked past and said, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,


"If you were better looking it would lift itself."

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f*cking skint."

Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

Im sitting here wondering why my new publicated book.......101 Ways to kill a postman ......hasnt arrived

Little Johnny tells mum "Mummy, at playtime, I saw Daddy's car go in the woods with Aunty jane' 'Oh' said Mum, 'carry on'' Jack & me sneaked out & saw them kissing &' ."Stop!" Said Mum, "Why don't u tell us all tonight so Daddy can hear too". Later Johnny, told them. . "I saw Daddy's car go into the woods near school, me & Jack went into the woods too & saw daddy kissing Aunty Jane then they took their clothes off & did that thing that Mummy & Uncle Bob do when Daddy's at work" . .Mum fainted. .The moral of this story is;Women should always shut up, listen, & let people finish b4 interrupting. .

Two elderly ladies were having afternoon tea in a cafe when Ethel looks closely at Mabel and says, "Mabel do you know you have a suppository in your ear?"

"I am so glad you told me Ethel" said Mabel.

"Now I know where to find my hearing aid."

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"

Son says "at school dad."

Robot slaps the son!

"Ok, i watched a dvd at my mates!"

"What dvd?"

"Toy story."

Robot slaps the son again!

"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.

"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.

Robot slaps the dad!

Mum laughs

"HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."

Robot slaps The mum!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Elderly couple in church wife turns to husband and says i've just done a silent fart what should i do husband says put new batteries in your hearing aid
:blink: :blink: :blink: :woohoo:

"Dad, we're learning about Prisms at school. They're fascinating."

"That's good Son, 'cos as a Dyslexic Black Kid you're bound to end up in one"

The missus has just rung me screaming "you've given me crabs you bastard! How could you?" I said "whoooaaaa, hang on a minute, before you start blaming me, have a word with your sister!" :ohmy:

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.He asks the barman, "What the f*** is that?"The barman says, "It's a Moose."The Scottish chap says, "F*** me! How big are the cats?"

:laugh:

Little Johnny went up to his dad and asked...Whats Love Juice ???
Very shocked his father went on to explain the facts of life in detail ..down to oral etc.......
Johnny sitting wide-eyed and mouth open...said...I heard it on Wimbledon ????

Roy Skelton, the voice of the Rainbow Characters has died, at the age of 79. Zippy and George are said to be Speechless!!