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TOPIC: poems and old wives tales

poems and old wives tales 3 years 10 months ago #60381

  • Edwin55
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I'm not old...Just mature.

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."

Understand... I'm not old... I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer... can't hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.),
And my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit ... not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old... I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray... saying "blond" is just right.

My car is all paid for... not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer... get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches... not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."

My friends all get older... much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines," not wrinkles... for sure,
But don't call me old... just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take ... your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running... in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old... I'm only mature.
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poems and old wives tales 3 years 10 months ago #60387

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Rules of the Land

Rules of the Land!
1. The Female always makes the Rules.
2. The Rules are always subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all the Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all the Rules, she must immediately change some or all of the Rules.
5. The Female is NEVER wrong.
6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of the flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must APOLOGIZE immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any point in time.
9. The Male Must never change his mind without written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under NO CIRCUMSTANCES let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these Rules could result in bodily harm.
14. If the Female has PMS all "Rules" are null and void.
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poems and old wives tales 3 years 10 months ago #60393

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How to give a Pill to a Cat

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet mignon. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 litre of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture store on way home to order new table.
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poems and old wives tales 3 years 10 months ago #60399

In my opinion I think men, in general, think they are always right and often do not appear to be able to have a rational discussion. Hence the need to be on the defensive. Men are from Mars and et al. There is always a good woman behind every good man!
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poems and old wives tales 3 years 10 months ago #60404

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MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:

ATD: at the Doctor
BFF: best friend fell
BTW: bring the wheelchair
BYOT: bring your own teeth
FWIW: forgot where I was
GGPBL: gotta go, pacemaker battery low
GHA: got heartburn again
LMDO: laughing my dentures out
IMHO: is my hearing aid on?
OMMR: on my massage recliner
TTYL: talk to you louder
ROFLACGU:
Rolling on the floor laughing and can’t get up

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poems and old wives tales 3 years 10 months ago #60418

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Researcher for the
Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead
crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may
have died from Avian Flu.

A bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to
everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian
Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However,during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of
paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that
98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were
killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a
cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car
kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat
road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn
of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could
shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

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poems and old wives tales 3 years 10 months ago #60434

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"No amount of smiling at a flight of stairs has ever made it turn into a ramp" ~disability advocate Stella Young

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poems and old wives tales 3 years 10 months ago #60445

That is very true Edwin! That is why I got myself a stair lift!! ;)

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poems and old wives tales 3 years 10 months ago #60459

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:) ...We all have to make do with our limited abilities. We need at times motivational speakers like Stella Young. The world sure lost a lovely person when she died. Thank you for your comment Bubba.

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poems and old wives tales 3 years 10 months ago #60460

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I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I
wanted as a teenager, only 55 years later.

I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance (social security).

I have my own pad.
I make my own curfew.

I have a driver’s license and my own car

I have an ID that gets me into bars and the any store.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.

And I don’t have acne. Life is great. (I think)
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poems and old wives tales 3 years 10 months ago #60483

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The Sugar-Plum Tree

Have you ever heard of the Sugar-Plum Tree?
'T is a marvel of great renown!
It blooms on the shore of the Lollipop sea
In the garden of Shut-Eye Town;

The fruit that it bears is so wondrously sweet
(As those who have tasted it say)
That good little children have only to eat
Of that fruit to be happy next day.

When you've got to the tree, you would have a hard time
To capture the fruit which I sing;
The tree is so tall that no person could climb
To the boughs where the sugar-plums swing!

But up in that tree sits a chocolate cat,
And a gingerbread dog prowls below- -
And this is the way you contrive to get at
Those sugar-plums tempting you so:

You say but the word to that gingerbread dog
And he barks with such terrible zest
That the chocolate cat is at once all agog,
As her swelling proportions attest.

And the chocolate cat goes cavorting around
From this leafy limb unto that,
And the sugar-plums tumble, of course, to the ground- -
Hurrah for that chocolate cat!

There are marshmallows, gumdrops, and peppermint canes,
With striping of scarlet or gold,
And you carry away of the treasure that rains
As much as your apron can hold!

So come, little child, cuddle closer to me
In your dainty white nightcap and gown,
And I 'll rock you away to that Sugar-Plum Tree
In the garden of Shut-Eye Town.

by Eugene Field
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Last edit: by Edwin55.

poems and old wives tales 3 years 10 months ago #60506

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An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. This is what transpired.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.
Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days having figured out how to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline on box 22 !"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything !!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story —
Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer " !

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