Joke of the day

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked; “what is the quickest way to the lake? The local thought for a while. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist. “I’m driving.” “That is the quickest way!” the local said.

Chaos reigns at The Winter Olympics ,after the death in the Luge...The Irish Bobsleigh team are now refusing to compete until the course is gritted first xxxx

When Grandpa and Billy entered their vacation cabin, they kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before Grandpa did, Billy whispered, ‘It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.’

An 80 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for the doctor.He turns up 2 days later with an empty jar...The nurse asks..why no sperm ?? ..He replied...sorry..I tried with my right hand and I tried with my left hand...I got the wife to try with both hands on several occassions....She tried with her mouth ...first with teeth in ..then with teeth out...Then we got Ethel from next door to try...hands..mouth...but no good......We just cant get the bloody lid off the jar xxxx

A mother mouse and her three children crept out of their hole into the kitchen and began feasting on some delicious bits of food. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Mother Mouse saw a cat slinking toward them. The cat was between the mice and their hole. The mother muse puffed up her lungs and went, “Woof! Woof!” The cat turned tail and ran. With that, the mother quickly led her children back to safety in their hole. When they were settle and breathing normally, Mother Mouse said to her children. “Now, what’s the lesson from that experience?” “We don’t know,” the baby mice squeaked. “It is this,” said Mother Mouse. “It’s always good to know a second language.”

Just bought the Misses a brand new Bag and brand new Belt........The vacuum cleaner going well now xxxx

thought i would put my bit in :blink:

There's been a big fight in the biscuit tin.
a bandit called Rocky, who was crackers,
hit a penguin over the head with a club,
tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue
ribband and made his breakaway in a
taxi, police say \"rocky was last seen
just after eight by a viscount from maryland,
hobnobbing with a gingernut,and two
accomplices, one known as Gary baldi,
and the othere known only as rich T\",
Unfortunatly they dont't have a crumb of
evidence. :blink: :huh: :ohmy:

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, \"Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!\" \"So?\" asked the duck's former owner, \"did you remember to light the candle under the pot?\"

Whats more annoying than the dog chewing your shoes ?????

The Killer Whale eating your trainer xxxx


I know..not PC...all complaints to Karl please xxxxx :laugh:

A drunk guy approaches a cute girl in a singles bar. “Hi Babe, how about a date? He says. “Don’t waste your time. I never go out with a perfect stranger.”
“It seems we are both in luck. I’m far from perfect.”

Dont understand it...Ive just been banned from a new Muslim clothes shop....Got no idea what their problem is ???? All I did was go in and ask for a size 42 chest Bomber Jacket xxxx

Paddy says to Mick . \"My wife has just had twins\" Mick says . who do they look like ? Paddy says , each other you daft twat!