Joke of the day

TEACHER : Johnny, give me a sentence starting with \"I\".
Johnny: I is...
TEACHER : No, Johnny, Always say, \"I am.\"
Johnny: All right... \"I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.\"

Little Johnny at the examination Center:

Little Johnny stares at the examination paper for 5 Minutes & starts removing his clothes.

The examiner alarmed, approaches him and asks What is going on??.

\"Oh Sir, I am only following the instructions yaar,\" he says,\"

Answer the following questions in brief.

Two Teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time.

The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month.

The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.

The judge said, \"That was great how did you do that?\"

The boy told him, \"I used a diagramme, your Honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.\"

\"That's admirable,\" said the judge. \"And you, how did you do?\" he asked the second boy.

\"Well, your Honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.\"

\"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!\"

\"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your rear end before prison.'\"

Johnny got into a bus which was full packed with passengers and no seats were vacant.A kind gentleman offered his seat to Johnny.

gentleman:please take your seat sir.

Johnny: Oh no it is already late. I have no time to sit.

Three Irishmen in a bar....
Paddy...In my pub back home if you buy the first three drinks you get the fourth free...

Mick...Not as good as mine..if you buy the first two drinks you get the third free..on the house...

Michael.....Well..at my local if you buy the first drink..you get the second..third..fourth..fifth...sixth drinks bought for you...Then you can go out the back and get shagged non stop.....

Mick and Paddy said...Blimey ...has that happened to you ??? to which Mick replied...No..but it did to my sister xxxx :ohmy:

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit.

Second a carpenter,
strong and so bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor,
so tall and so thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within.

Fourth was a hunter,
who was short and was stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without.

Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish
and gave it a smell.

Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee.

Last was a sailor,
a dirty old runt,
he sucked it and f*cked it,
and called it a c*nt.

Little Steven came home from school looking crest-fallen as he slumped into a chair...
Father...Why you looking so glum son ???
Steven...Ive got a part in the School play..Im playing the part of a husband who has been married for 25 years...

Father...Never mind son..Maybe you will get a speaking part next time xxxx :laugh: :woohoo:

An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man \"You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?\"

\"In fact I do,\" said the man, \"After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then,after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.\"

\"This is very interesting,\" replied the doctor, \"Let me do some research and get back to you.\"

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: \"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?\"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.

The doctor then asked: \"Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?\" \"Oh that old coot!\" She replied. \"That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!\"

Walking past a block of flats I noticed an Arabian Gentleman was banging his carpet over the balcony...
I called up....Whats up Abdul ( that being his name)Wont it start ???? xxxx :ohmy: :laugh:

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a £10 note flies out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her \"Madam, there are £10 notes falling out of that bag.......\"

\"Damn\" says the little old lady.....\"I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning\".

\"Well, not so fast,\" said the policemen \"How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?\"

\"Oh no\" said the little old lady \"You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingy through the bushes, I yell £10 or off it comes!\"

\"Not a bad idea\" laughs the policeman \"Good Luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?\"

\"Well\" said the little old lady \"Not all of them pay\"................

Falling on massive hard times..a husband Put his wife on the streets as a prostitute to earn some cash...

After waiting up most of the night his wife fell in through the door...knackered...He helped her to bed and ..feeling guilty bathed her...

How did you get on he asked....

She replied..I got £137.34

34 pence..who gave you 34pence ??? he groaned...

They all did..was her reply xxxx

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, \"Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters\".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.