Joke of the day

Chris Tarrant said to Wayne Bridge.....on Celebrity Millionaire....For £32000..What is the colour of your ex girlfriends pubic hair..Is it a...Brown.....b...Red....c....Blonde....d....Ginger....
Wayne said...I dont remember Chris..Can I phone a friend ?? xxxx

Got home & found the wife dead in the washing machine earlier. I'm fucking gutted....But at least she died in Comfort :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Want to cheer yourself up....Watch your Wedding Video backwards..Youll love seeing her take her ring off ,walk down the aisle,jump into car and pi.. off xxxx;)

IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK......British Olympic Gold Medal winner Amy Williams thanked David Beckham for his invaluable advice on the best way to ride a Skeleton xxxx

A frog goes into a bank and hops up to a teller. He can see from her name plate that she is called Patricia Whack,
so he says \"Ms. Whack, I'd like to borrow $30,000, please.\"
The teller asks for his name and the frog replies that he is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and a personal friend of the bank manager. Unconvinced, Ms. Whack explains she will need some identity and also some security against his loan. The frog produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant and hands it to her.
The confused teller says she will have to consult with her manager. 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger at the counter who wants to borrow $30,000,\" she tells her boss. \"And what do you think this elephant is about?\"
The manager looks back at her and says \"It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

My wife has thrown me out, because she's fed up with me masturbating in bed every night. She said it was getting on her tits :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy:

When I was a kid,mum would send me to the shops with a shilling and I would come back with.....
Wham Bar
Bag of pik n mix
Fizzy Pop
Three comics
Big bag of crisps
Gob stoppers
5 bars of chocolate
Liqu. Allsorts
Peanuts
Toffee Apple
And still have change.....Cant do that these days....and Why ????

Poxy CCTV cameras xxxxx :laugh:

Guy gets stopped by Police for speeding.....Officer says..Wheres your documents ??
Man replies...In the glove box by the gun...
Officer...Youve got a gun ???
Man..Yeah, I shot the woman in the boot when I nicked the car...
Officer gets on the radio and calls for back-up assistance ..with urgency...Loads of squad cars arrive plus armed response team..
Armed PC asks...Wheres the gun ??
Man..Havent got a gun..
Armed PC....where is the body??
Man..There is no body...I bet that lying bastard even told you that I was speeding xxxx

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet says its got epilepsy. The vet says \"it looks calm enough to me\" Paddy says \"I haven't taken it out the bowl yet!\"

Guy goes to a Brothel and says to the Madam...Im very kinky ..How much for Total Humiliation???
Madan says....That will be £37.50..
Guy says...WOW thats cheap..what do I get for that????
Madam says...A Poxy Liverpool shirt xxxx :laugh:

A million pound prize was offered to any university who could explain why the end of a mans penis is helmet shaped. Cambridge concluded it was to give the man more pleasure, Oxford concluded it was to give the women more pleasure. The university of Dublin spent the afternoon in the pub and concluded it was to stop your hand slipping off

Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'


But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'