It,s the way you tell em

a german bloke crashed into a sausage factory,he had a turn for the wurst.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer.A brick layer:silly:

The pope flies into new york and is met by a massive limo,i would love a go at driving that he says,no way says driver, i,ll get the sack,i will make it worth your while says pope so driver gets in the back and pope flies down highway at 100mph,a traffic cop pulls him and seeing who it is calls his sergent,ive just pulled over god for speeding he says, god how do you know? well he is sitting in the back and the pope is driving.

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into mummy and daddy's bedroom the other night and mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh ! God, I'm coming!' 'If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The Nun fainted...

Man died and was waiting at the gates of heaven.St Peter said now my son what have you done to merit entrance to heaven.Well said the man I gave a homeless person 25p last week.St Peter looked at Gabriel who nodded to confirm this was correct.Well that is not enough to get into heaven my son.Wait said the man I also gave a homeless person 25p two years ago,Gabriel nooded again to confirm this was true.St Peter thought for a few minutes then whispered to Gabriel what shall we do with this fellow.Gabriel said oh give him his 50p back and tell him to go to hell. :lol:

addy n Murphy workin on a buildin site.Paddy says 2 Murphy 'I fancy the day off,im gonna pretend im mad' He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down n shouts 'IM A LIGHTBULB IM A LIGHTBULB' at the top of his voice Murphy watches in amazement. The foreman shouts 'Paddy get down,pack yr tools,yr mad,go home'. He leaves the site. Watching this Murphy starts packing up 2. 'Where r u goin?' asks the foreman.'i can't work in the dark!'

What happened when the cat swallowed a pound,there was money in the kitty.:lol:

a man comes home with a bunch of flowers,his wife lookes and says i suppose you want me to lie on my back with my legs open for them,?he replies, no dear a vase will do.

A man bought his wife a coat made of 2000,hampster skins he took her to Blackpool for the day,it took him hours to get her off the big wheel.

They have moved Weston super mares pier down the road 20mls to burn-em on sea.

Why did the monkey leave the circus,he was sick of working for peanuts.:lol:

A bloke says to his neighbour, you should close your curtains when you make love to your wife,all the street was laughing at you last night,well the jokes on them,i wasnt home last night.