Joke of the day

Bastards.....Just been thrown out and barred from..The local swimming baths..Just because I was wearing my Speedo trunks....How was I to know that the S had come off the logo xxxx :ohmy: :blink:

At a local college, there was a dance.

A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, \"In America, we call this a hug\". She replies, \"Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too.\"

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, \"In America, we call this a kiss\". She replies, \"Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too.\"

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, \"In America, we call this a grass sandwich\".

She says, \"Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.\"

Nurse:

A family was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from US. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was so tightly squeezed into the coffin, with no space left in it! When they opened the lid they found a letter on top which read as follows:

Dear brothers and sisters,

I am sending our mother's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be buried in her native place's cemetry. Sorry, I could not come along because nurses salary is going to increase from next month so I doubt whether I will get in case I am not here. You will find inside the coffin, under Mom's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of chocolates and 4 packets of almond. Please divide these among all of you. On the sides of her head there is a tin of Nido and Tang. On Mom's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoe (size 10) for Joe.

Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Charles' and Elizabeth's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Mom is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Jill and the others are for Tommy and Jimmie. Mom is also wearing 6 Wonder Bras and 12 Victoria's Secret panties. Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans Mom wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Minu wanted is on Mom's left wrist. Catherine Aunty, Mom is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you had asked for, Please take them. The 6 white cotton socks that Mom is wearing must be divided among Johnny and Jack. In Mom's pockets there are about 25 envelopes that are to be posted immediately. Some are drafts from the exchange company. Those marked \"By Hand\" are to be hand delivered (these are letters from my friends in the hostel).

There is also Viola's wedding album I brought here to show (off) my friends in Riggae hostel on my last visit. Also, you will find some syringes and two boxes of panadol and some other medicines which I don't know what for. But still I am sending them. Give it to the neighbours of Dancy, OK? Johnny hasn't got a job yet. Please pray for him.

Convey my regards to all.<br><br>Post edited by: Mini, at: 2010/04/21 09:29

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an \&quot;emergency\&quot; appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. \&quot;I'm sorry, Miss,\&quot; he said, \&quot;but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation.\&quot;

\&quot;I'm not sure I can afford it,\&quot; sighed the young woman. \&quot;But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? \&quot;

Little Johnny returns book to library, bangs it on table &amp; says - What a pity?\&quot;I read the whole book, too many character, no story at all\&quot; ?.
Librarian : So, you are the one who took the Telephone Directory....

It’s a bit early for Iceland volcano jokes. We should wait a while for the dust to settle.

I see that America has declared war on Iceland. Apparently they are accusing them of harbouring a “weapon of ash eruption”.

It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread over Europe.

The Queen visits a major hospital to open a new ward.

She is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities.

On her way, she hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.

She goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.

She asks the nurse \&quot;Why is that man doing that?\&quot;

The nurse replies \&quot;Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder.\&quot;

\&quot;Oh, OK then,\&quot; said Her Majesty, and moved on, but on the way she hears more orgasmic groans.

She looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob.

So Her Majesty asks her escort \&quot;Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?\&quot;

Her nurse escort says \&quot;Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got private health insurance!\&quot;

What is Celibacy?


Celibacy can be a choice in life,
or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend,
Ken and his wife, Janet, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Ken leaned over, touched Janet’s arm gently,
and whispered, \&quot;Homepride, isn't it ?\&quot;


And thus began Ken’s life of celibacy

Three Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, \&quot;However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven\&quot;.

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, \&quot;I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her\&quot;. So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, \&quot;I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her.\&quot; He gets a Mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, \&quot;I cheated on my wife a lot\&quot;. He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, \&quot;Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!\&quot; and the man sobbed,

\&quot;My wife just went by on roller skates\&quot;.

Little Johnny bought a beautiful sweater for his mother. He sent it to her mother by parcel post along with a note. In the note, it was written; \&quot;The buttons on the sweater are removed since they are too heavy\&quot; and added to the postage \&quot;You will find them in the right hand pocket of the sweater\&quot;<br><br>Post edited by: Mini, at: 2010/04/24 06:39