Joke of the Day

Question....What is 6 inches long and wont get sucked on tonight ???

Answer.... Jimmy Savillls cigar :laugh:

Two Irish men looking through a catalogue. Paddy say's "look at those gorgeous women! The price's are reasonable too," Mick agrees! "I am ordering one of them right now."3 week's later, Paddy say's "Has your woman turned up yet?""No" said Mick. "But it shouldn't be long now. Her clothes arrived yesterday"
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Was on the phone to a Thai Lady today and it appears the floods are worse than I thought...She said the water had almost reached her Balls

One of the seven dwarves has been arrested for shagging a giraffe. Apparently the other 6 put him up to it :silly: :silly: :silly: :silly:

As I lay in bed ,half asleep a hand went in to my boxers and started to massage my privates...Although it was pleasant I wasnt in the mood ..so I said...Sorry I have a headache so cant get into this......
It doesnt work like that in here said my cell mate :laugh:

for cats lovers.......... :woohoo:

CAT VS. DOG

DOG DIARY :silly:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the
other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The
only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.

This morning I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of
my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The
bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe.

For now... :evil:

Cops are treating Joe Fraizer's death as suspicious. They're grilling George Foreman!

Joe Frasier is being cremated on Friday and will ,at last live up to his nickname of...Smoking Joe

‎16 year old johnny askes his dad what a vagina looks like. "Well" said the father knowingly,"it has 2 different looks. "Before sex it looks like a beautiful rose with delicate pink folds." "What about after sex?" asks johnny. "Well" said dad. "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating porridge?"
:blink: :blink: :blink:

All right guys this is certainly not the type of joke you're used to post and/or read here. It's not even a joke. But I believe it ought to be read by as many people as possible. Therefore, I decided to post it here:


An Obituary printed in the London Times.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; - Life isn't always fair; - and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights I Want It Now Someone Else Is To Blame I'm A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not, join the majority and do nothing. :whistle:

Now a real joke: Enjoy! :laugh:



A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like “chalk” or “pencil,” she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into 2 groups (male and female) and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The Men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else,

Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The Women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you waited a little bit longer, you could have had a better model.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Christmas is nearly here ain't it......
To be honest, it'll be like any normal day.....
Sitting at the table with a fat bird that doesn't gobble any more !!!
:woohoo: :blink: